My therapy. Read at your own disgression.

the beebe truth about life:
so sometimes things just happen and we don't need to know why. or how.
4 years ago i was hyperventilating with a positive pregnancy test in my hand. how on earth could this happen? to me? now? of all times??? we had just gotten married in February. i was in my second out of 4 semesters in the dental hygiene program at ISU...which i was already struggling through with all the stress and grief associated with that. now i would have to be pregnant and have a baby and do it, too. this wasn't in my plan. but i knew almost instantly that this was part of a much bigger plan. i was soon convinced that this baby was meant to come. now. i grew excited and knew, just knew, that this was a strong baby coming and that there was no chance of miscarriage or complications. and she was strong. she is strong. she was born during christmas break between my last two semesters. going back and finishing that last semester was absolutely one of the hardest things i have ever done. but the Lord blessed me with strength and opportunities to make it through. and i am so grateful to have it under my belt.
one and half years after her birth we decided we better have another. we wanted our kids close together and we were already looking at almost three years apart. so we got our secondary insurance. got the iud out. made a baby. or at least we thought we did. we got the positive pregnancy test. went to the doctor, had all the appropriate testing done. and went back at about almost 10 weeks for the first real check. no heart beat...."that's okay,usually we hear it between 10 and 11 weeks, so we're a little early." doctor checks the size. "your uterus feels a little small, more like its only about 7 weeks along." so he advises that we are probably off on our dates (no, way! i know my dates!) and to go get an ultrasound sometime within in the next month. whenever works. "but i'm pregnant, right?" i ask. "oh, yes, your pregnant." see i had kept having these awful thoughts about how i would go in for this appointment and the nurse would say," oh, why are you here? you're not pregnant." and i wasn't sick. well. not in the normal pregnancy way, it was different... not at all like with N. so we got an ultrasound for the next day. (no way was i waiting a month). immediately when the tech pulled up the picture on the tv screen i knew. "there's no baby in there, is there?" i asked. "no..." she hesitated," there's no baby in there." how on earth did this happen? i was so embarrassed. i had complained about my stomach ache. i had gained 5 lbs. how had i let my imagination run away like that? and then i knew again. it was a molar pregnancy. i had read about it just weeks before in one of my books. but what did it all mean? what it meant in our case was that we ended up with 3 sets (2 daddy, one mommy) of chromosomes instead of the traditional 2 sets that actually make a baby. so we had a replicating, growing bundle of dna that couldn't ever make a baby. but gives off all the same hormones that would make for a positive pregnancy test and correct lab tests. 1 out of 1000 pregnancies. since it's a rapidly developing "tumor" type. we had to be sure it didn't, or hadn't spread to other parts of the body. so we had to wait for at least 6 months (most reccomend a year) after removal before we could try to get pregnant again. every month going in for a blood draw to be sure those hormone levels stayed at zero. it was a good time for me to grow some more. did i really want another baby? was i really ready for that? in fact it was nice to have precise direction from the Lord. "no, it's not time. you need to wait." i learned what it was like, in a small way, to want a baby and know you couldn't have one. i feel so deeply for those who can never have a baby. i know i don't understand it completely, but a little bit better now.
so we waited out our time and decided to go for it again. got pregnant. went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks to calm our anxieties and be sure that we were not again having a fake out. there it was. little baby. heart beating. so precious. 6 weeks. the tech said the heart beat was a little slow meaning that it had just recently started beating in the last few days. so neat to see so early. to be a part of such a miracle early on. so we shouted it to the world!!! ...actually, no, we didn't. i still didn't want to tell anyone. so we waited a little longer and then told our families. i was sick this time. good sign. getting sicker, sicker...wait, was that the worst of it? i never even threw up. i started getting less sick, really fast. good...good...right? no, this couldn't be right. i told two more people. but no one else. E kept asking, "why didn't you say anything just now?" "why didn't you tell her?" "are you ever going to start telling people?" i couldn't answer him other than to say, "i don't know, i'm just not ready yet." i just wanted more confirmation that everything was fine. after our next dr. appt., i resolved, then i will tell everyone. went in at 10.5 weeks. doctor couldn't find a heart beat. checked my uterus. said, "your uterus feels a little small, more like about 7 weeks." wow. again. dejavu. "well, we already ruled out a molar pregnancy." i said with a laugh. i already knew. something was wrong. i tell the doctor i'm not surprised. he wants me to get another ultrasound. i go home with a heavy heart. sometimes you know, but you still hope, you still hold onto that little piece of hope until you know for sure, until someone else confirms it. i have an ultrasound set up for the next day. an hour before my ultrasound it starts. and then that little piece of hope is gone. there is no better proof than your own body telling you it's over. at least i was prepared. that's been a major key in both of these last two pregnancies. Heavenly Father in His goodness prepared my heart and mind so the blow wouldn't be so forceful. the ultrasound indicated that development had come to a stop at about 6 weeks, 6 days. in some ways i think, if we would have just waited another week for that first ultrasound we would have known then that there was a problem. but most of me is so grateful to have the blessing of seeing that little heart beating, knowing that it was real, if only for a little while. it gives me some closure that so many women don't get. i have a picture of the baby i lost.
so the beebe truth about life is, again, sometimes things just happen and we don't need to know why. or how. when we got pregnant with N so fast and when we were trying NOT to, we just assumed everything "baby" would be easy for us. sometimes you think you couldn't love your child any more than you already do. and then something happens and your love just intensifies. i am so grateful that Heavenly Father sent me a baby even when i wasn't ready. i cannot imagine having to bear these last two pregnancies as my first two. at least this time we don't have to wait so long to get pregnant again. i feel sad for N. she's really lonely. i can tell. she needs a pal. but i realized the other day that, again, sometimes things just happen. N will be a little lonely. that will be one of the challenges in her life, as her mother i will have to draw on my experiences to help her through that. to be more understanding when she wants me to sit in on her "tea party" for hours. to help her learn about the comfort of the Holy Ghost and our Savior. we don't need to know why. or how. but sometimes we do get to see a small glimpse of why... and how.